Irish Jokes

Guest

Paddy and Murphy are doing a crossword. Paddy says "I'm stuck on two down. Flightless bird from iceland, six and seven" Murphy says "thats easy you thick twat", "It's frozen chicken". geek

Guest

Two paddy's on a tour of london, they spot a shop. Suits £10, jackets £6 and shirts £2. "Fockin hell patrick, deres a bargain, lets buy the entire shop". Shamus says "ok but don't tell any one were Oirish, cos they hate us" In his best english accent Paddy says " Can I buy your entire stock please?". Man behind counter says "Your irish ain't ya" "Jesus chroist, how did you know dat?" Says Paddy. "Cos we're a focking dry cleaners !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! lol!

Guest

An Irish daughter, who had been in America, had not been home for over a year.

Upon her return, her Father cussed her. 'Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?'

The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff...Dad....I became a prossie...'

'Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'

'OK, Dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate.
For me little brother, this gold Rolex.
And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club........................... (Takes a breath)............. and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and... ...'
'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.

Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff.......a prossie Daddy! Sniff, sniff.'

'Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug.

Guest

A Paddy walking through a field sees a man drinking water from a river with his hand.

The Paddy shouts "Ná ól an t-uisce, ta sé lán de chac bo" (Don't drink the water, it's full of cowsh*t.)

The man shouts back "I'm English you ignorant fool, speak English to me, I don't understand you".

The Paddy shouts back "Use both hands, you'll get more in."

Subject: Re: Irish Jokes 1st March 2010, 10:39 pm

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies
in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.

Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.

At Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.'

He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Fook dat.
Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!'

Subject: Re: Irish Jokes 1st March 2010, 10:42 pm

Seamus arrives up at ConnorPass.

He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.

He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.

He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.

Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone
in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'

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