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PostSubject: Re: Generl Laughs   18th September 2008, 3:49 am

Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then traveling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Chinese on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.

And the most British thing of all?
Suspicion of all things foreign!

Only in Britain can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in Britain do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy
cigarettes at the front.

Only in Britain do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.

Only in Britain do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.

Only in Britain do we leave cars worth thousands of Dollars on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

Only in Britain do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

Only in Britain are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.

NOT TO MENTION..

3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.

142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.

58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.

31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.

19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.

British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after Xmas cracker-pulling accidents.

18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.

A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after trying to open bottles of beer with their teeth.

5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out-of-control remote control cars.
And finally...
In 2000 eight Brits were admitted to hospital with fractured skulls incurred whilst throwing up into the toilet.
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PostSubject: Re: Generl Laughs   18th September 2008, 3:52 am

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him,

"My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Tesco. Just give it a urine
sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten pounds - Alot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco.
He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine
sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Tesco"

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Tesco's, eager to check the results. He deposits ten
pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has flea's. Bathe him with anti-flea shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping at Tesco
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PostSubject: Re: Generl Laughs   18th September 2008, 3:54 am

Tech Support

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the
flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under
Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such
as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable
programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes
the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to
no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate

--------------------------------------------------------
Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, While
Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Please enter the command: "http: I Thought You Loved Me.HTML" and try to
download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If
that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then
automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to
default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.

Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring LoudlyBeta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in
the background that will eventually seize control of all your system
resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program.
These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited
memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider
buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We
recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,
Tech Support
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PostSubject: Re: Generl Laughs   18th September 2008, 3:56 am

I bought a new Lexus 350 and returned to the dealer the next day because I couldn't get the radio to work. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated. "Nelson," the salesman said to the radio.

The Radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"

"Willie!" he continued and "On the Road Again" came from the speakers.

Then he said, "Ray Charles!", and in an instant " Georgia on My Mind" replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say,
"Beethoven," I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said,
"Beatles," I'd get one of their awesome songs.

Yesterday, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new car, but I swerved in time to avoid them. I yelled, "**bleep** Holes!"

Immediately the French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Barbara Streisand, backed up by Michael Moore and The Dixie Chicks, with John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on harmonica, Nancy Pelosi on tambourine, Harry Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton on sax and Ted Kennedy on scotch.
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PostSubject: Re: Generl Laughs   18th September 2008, 3:57 am

For the would be Plumber.

Note: Applicable to all installs/repairs

1.All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal or plastic centered around the hole.

2.All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length, do not use holes of different length than the pipe.

3.The ID (inside diameter) of all pipe must not exceed the OD (outside diameter) otherwise the hole will be on the outside.

4.All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole, so that water, steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.

5.All pipe should be supplied without rust, this can be readily applied at the job site. Note; some vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted pipes. If available in your aea, this product is a recommended thing, as it will save a great deal of time at the job site.

6.All pipe over 500 ft (150m) in length should have the words “LONG PIPE” clearly painted on each side at the end, so the contractor will know it is a long pipe.

7.Pipe over 2 miles (3.2km) in length must also have the words “LONG PIPE” painted in the middle so the contractor will not have to walk the entire length of the pipe to determine whether or not it is a long pipe or a short pipe.

8.All pipe over 6 ft (1.83m) in diameter must have the words “LARGE PIPE” painted on it, so the contractor will not mistake it for a small pipe.

9.Flanges must be used on all pipes. Flanges must have holes for bolts, quite separate from the big hole in the middle.

10 When ordering 90 degree or 30 degree elbows, be sure to specify left-handed or right-handed, otherwise you will end up going the wrong way.

11.Be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want level, uphill or downhill pipe. If you use downhill pipes for going uphill, the water will flow the wrong way.

12.All couplings should have either right-hand or left-hand threads, but do not mix the threads. Otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed on one pipe, it is being unscrewed from the other.

13.All pipes shorter than 1/8” (3mm) are very uneconomical in use, requiring many joints. They are generally known as washers.

14.Joints in pipes for piping water must be watertight. Those for compressed air, however, need only to be air tight.

15.Lengths of pipes may be welded or soldered together. This method is not recommended for concrete or terra-cotta pipes, however.

16.Other commodities are often confused with pipes. These include: Conduit, Tube, Tunnel and Drain. Use only genuine pipes.

17.Scottish regiments in the Army use Army Pipes in unusual ways. These are not approved of in engineering circles.
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PostSubject: Re: Generl Laughs   18th September 2008, 3:59 am

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my
husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically
telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a
suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a
piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds"

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in
front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

"How long will this take?" I asked.

“They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.

I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper
between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
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PostSubject: Re: Generl Laughs   19th September 2008, 2:49 pm

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany
her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like
Most men, I found shopping boring and preferred
to get in and get out. Equally, unfortunately, my
wife is like most women -- -she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following
letter from Wal-Mart.


Dear Mrs. Samurai,

Over the past six months, your husband has been
causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot
tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban
both of you from the store. Our complaints against
Mr. Samurai are listed below and are documented
by our video surveillance Cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and
randomly put them in people's carts when they
weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares
to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor
leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told
her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in House wares.
Get on it right away'

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried
to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6 .August 14: Moved the 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR'
sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him
he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people
just leave me alone?'

8. September 4: Looked right into the security camera
and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

9. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his
' Madonna Look ' by using different sizes of funnels

10 .October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people
browsed through, yelled PICK ME! PICK ME!'


And last, but not least



11. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door,
waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's
no toilet paper in here
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PostSubject: Re: Generl Laughs   30th January 2009, 10:04 pm

Jewish Sex


No matter what this husband did in bed, his wife never achieved an orgasm.
Since, by Jewish law, a wife is entitled to sexual satisfaction, they decide
to consult their Rabbi.

The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following
suggestion: 'Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making
love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help your wife
fantasize and should bring on an orgasm.'

They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young
man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It does not help
and the wife is still unsatisfied.

Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi.

'Okay,' he says to the husband, 'Try it reversed. Have the young man make
love to your wife and you wave the towel over them.'

Once again, they follow the Rabbi's advice. They go home and hire, the same
strapping young man.The young man gets into bed with the wife and the
husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm
and soon she has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting screaming orgasm.
The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly,
'See that, you schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!'
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PostSubject: Re: Generl Laughs   13th February 2010, 9:34 am

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in
the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet,
not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "It's Dark in here."
The man says,
"Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man- "That's nice."
Boy- "Want to buy it?"

Man - "No, thanks."
Boy -"My dad's outside."

Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the
lover are in the closet together.

Boy - " It's Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is"
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."

The lover, remembering the
last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy - "$750"
Man - said "Sold."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab
your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

Boy -"$1,000."

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that.. that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take
you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "It's Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that shit again"!
__________________
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PostSubject: Scotsman   13th February 2010, 9:40 am

A Scotsman walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says,
"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."


The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says,
"If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep,
Not a cow."


The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitc#,
You'd realize I was talking to the sheep."
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PostSubject: Brad Pitt   23rd February 2010, 9:23 pm

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'
The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks would buy?'

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars ....
But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a queer.
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PostSubject: Doc's Funeral   23rd February 2010, 9:32 pm

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate
funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life...

A huge heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the
service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket was rolled
inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful
heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.

When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just
thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynecologist
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PostSubject: Tiffany's   23rd February 2010, 9:41 pm

A lady walks into Tiffany's.

She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond

bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look

more closely, she unexpectedly farts. Very embarrassed, she looks

around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a

sales person was not anywhere near. As she turns around, her

worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind

her. Good looking as well. Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of

the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like

Tiffany's. He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'

Blushing & uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow

missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this

lovely bracelet?' He answers, "Madam...if you farted just looking

at it - you're going to shit when I tell you the price."
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