Generl Laughs

Subject: Generl Laughs 18th September 2008, 12:33 am

After the Britsh Beer Festival in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I.

.

Subject: Picture This 18th September 2008, 12:39 am

Surrogate Father

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use
a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father
was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm
off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby
photographer happned to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to. ..'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've
been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good.
Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in
and have a seat'.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one
on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the
living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for
Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time.
But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or
seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love
to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed
with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a
portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,'
he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you
consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes , I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to
get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep
to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with
amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three
hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling -I could
hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my
shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I
just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on
your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready , I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'..
.

Subject: Re: Generl Laughs 18th September 2008, 12:41 am

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire
up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic - and since it was Lent at the time, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The Priest came to visit Bubba and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and
much study, and Bubba attended Mass and was re-baptized..... and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison again filled the neighborhood.

The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors and as he rushed into Bubba's yard clutching
a rosary preparing to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: "You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish."

Subject: Re: Generl Laughs 18th September 2008, 12:44 am

The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help.

If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings

Subject: Re: Generl Laughs 18th September 2008, 12:53 am

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained,

'Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried
with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, But no matter what we tried none of us could get the jar open.

Subject: Re: Generl Laughs 18th September 2008, 12:54 am

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech. If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."

Subject: Re: Generl Laughs 18th September 2008, 12:56 am

Dear All
My thanks to all those who have sent me emails this past year........

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat sh*t in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.
Also, I now have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown); who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program .....
Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants to split $7 million with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died intestate.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy petrol without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my bum.
And thanks to your great advice, I can't even pick up the $5.00 I found dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00pm this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

By the way....a South American scientist after a lengthy study has discovered that people with low IQ who have infrequent sexual activity always read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

Subject: Re: Generl Laughs 18th September 2008, 1:00 am

"You know you're a Redneck when"

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.

3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

5. You are already related to your girlfriend.

6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

12.. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

13. You k eep flea and tick soap in the shower.

14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

17. You have a rag for a gas cap.

18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

20. You can spit without opening your mouth.

21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

22 Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.

24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.

28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.

29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.

30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.

Subject: Re: Generl Laughs 18th September 2008, 1:02 am

You know your a Redneck 2

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this."

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

Subject: Re: Generl Laughs 18th September 2008, 1:06 am

A calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy
and walked right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big, and he exclaimed,
"Lord, have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I would lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
"Well, now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription ."

Subject: Re: Generl Laughs 18th September 2008, 1:07 am

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT ***** SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
HITLER WOMAN

Subject: Re: Generl Laughs 18th September 2008, 1:10 am

Polish Divorce

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until
one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce could depend on the circumstances,
and asked him the following questions:

"Have you any grounds"?
"Yes, an acre and half and nice little home".

"No, I meant what is the foundation of this case"?
It's made of concrete

"I don't think you understand.
Does either of you have a real grudge"?
"No, we have carport, and not need one".

I mean, what are your relations like?
"All my relations still in Poland".

"Is there any infidelity in your marriage"?
"We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player".

"Does your wife beat you up"?
"No, I always up before her".

"Is your wife a nagger"?
"No, she white".

"Why do you want this divorce"?
"She going to kill me".

"What makes you think that"?
"I got proof".

"What kind of proof"?
"She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover"

Subject: Re: Generl Laughs 18th September 2008, 1:14 am

Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?

Do mass murderers kill only in church?

Do people in Australia call the rest of the world 'up over'?

Do pilots take crash-courses?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

Do Scottish Terriers get Scotch Tape worms?

Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?

Do steam rollers really roll steam?

Do television evangelists do more than lay people?

Do vampires get AIDS?

Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Do witches run spell checkers?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

Does a man-eating shark eat women, too?

Does an analyst have to be anal?

Subject: Re: Generl Laughs 18th September 2008, 1:15 am

One night , after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner. He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist. He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh. By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed. " Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered. He whispered back, " I found the remote!

Subject: Re: Generl Laughs 18th September 2008, 1:17 am

The U.S. National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto makers for the past five years whereby the auto makers were installing black box voice recorders in four-wheel drive pickup trucks and SUV's in an effort to determine, in accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 40 of the 50 states the recorded last words of drivers in 61.2% of crashes were, "Oh SH#T!"

Only the states of West Virginia, North Carolina, South Carolina,Louisiana, Georgia, Arkansas, Alabama, Mississippi, Oklahoma and Texas were different, where 89.3% of the final words were:

"Hold my beer, I'm gonna try somethin

Subject: Re: Generl Laughs 18th September 2008, 1:19 am

Dallas AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL

Dallas ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 1-11--You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 27 Right."

Saudi Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 27 Right -- Allah be Praised !!"

Dallas ATC: "Tower to Iran Air 713--You are cleared to land westbound on runway 27 Left."

Iran Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 27 Left. - - Allah is Great !!"

Pause: Static.............

Saudi Air: " DALLAS ATC ! DALLAS ATC!!! "

Dallas ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 1-11?"

Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS!!! WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE!!!
INSTRUCTIONS PLEASE!!!

Dallas ATC: "Well bless your hearts. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah 'hey' for us -- ya hear? "

Subject: Re: Generl Laughs 18th September 2008, 1:22 am

A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied.

"It's not polite."

"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really
none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her
friend.

"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license.
It is like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you
are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
"How in heaven's name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly,"I know why you and daddy got a
divorce."

"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"

"Because you got an F in sex."

Subject: Re: Generl Laughs 18th September 2008, 1:24 am

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods."What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charging towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that
the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried
to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to
pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him. At
that instant the atheist cried out: " Oh my God...!"

Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.
It was then that a bright light shone upon the man
and a Voice came out of the sky saying: "You deny my existence for all of
these years, teach others I don't exist , and even credit creation to a 'cosmic
accident.' Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to
count you as a believer?! ?"

The atheist looked directly into the light and
said: " It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me
as a Christian now, but , perhaps, you could make the BEAR a Christian ?"

" Very well," said the Voice.

The light went out, and the sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear
lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke:

" Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive
and for which I am truly thankful . Amen. "

Subject: Re: Generl Laughs 18th September 2008, 1:25 am

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do,"

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

"Don't you realise I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

Nope," said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, " I've Been married to your sister for 48 years."

Subject: Re: Generl Laughs 18th September 2008, 1:28 am

It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test.
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we
grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you
lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of
intelligence.
Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The
spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your
answer.

OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.

1. What do you put in a toaster?

Scroll down

Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," give up now and do something else.
Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.

2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?

Answer: Cows drink water.. If you said "milk," don't attempt the next
question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content
yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World.
However, if you said "water", proceed to question 3.

3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from
blue
bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is
made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," why
the hell are you still reading these??? If you said "glass," go on to Question 4.

4. 20 years ago a plane was flying at 20,000 feet over Germany
(If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into
West Germany and East Germany .) Anyway, during the flight, TWO engines fail.
The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on
a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany . Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany , West Germany , or no man's land"?

Answer: You don't bury survivors.
If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said,
"You don't bury survivors", proceed to the next question.

5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford
Haven in Wales . In London , 17 people get on the bus; In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff , 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea , three people get off and five people get on In Carmarthen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?

Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!

Subject: Re: Generl Laughs 18th September 2008, 1:30 am

The Perks Of Being Over 50

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

4. People call at 9 PM and ask, Did I wake you????

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat supper at 4 PM.

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to payoff.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells are finally down to manageable size.

Subject: Re: Generl Laughs 18th September 2008, 1:31 am

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young girl at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special." At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000, the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon."

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account"

"I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend!"

Subject: Re: Generl Laughs 18th September 2008, 1:43 am

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?" "My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied "That's because he's inside your cat."

Subject: Re: Generl Laughs 18th September 2008, 1:46 am

A Chinese couple gets married - and she's a virgin. Truth be told, he is not too experienced either. On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring.
My darring' he says, 'I know dis yoo firss time and you berry fwighten. I pwamis yoo, I gib yoo anyting you wan, I do anyting - juss ask... Anyting yoo wan. Whatchoo wan?' he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his virgin bride.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, 'I wan try someping I have hear about... Numbaa 69.'

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries...

'Yoo wan... Chicken wiff Broccori?

Subject: Re: Generl Laughs 18th September 2008, 1:48 am

The husband had just finished reading a new book, "YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE."

He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, YOU need to know that I AM the MAN of this house, and my word is law!"

You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert afterward.

Then, after dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have the sex that I want.

"After that, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and hands. Then after that's done, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife replied, "The F......g funeral director!!